Soul still tired!

My buddy Kel (you've seen her in pics) flew to her Dad's side. He had terminal lung cancer. He lasted a week and she came home. I felt so bad for her because she is so close to him. She's been strong throughout the whole thing, but she's hurt and I hurt for her. My other buddy (I call her my ex-wife because we lived together for over 7 years) had her Mom in the Hospital. I made sure to visit often, since my buddy lives in South Dakota and she couldn't visit her Mom. Mom Carpenter has a torn aortic valve to they have to monitor it. She's 87 years old and is as feisty as ever.

Now I'm getting ready to take next week off of work and spend it in Tahoe relaxing with Teensy (Victor's wife). After losing her husband, she just wants to get away. Lake Tahoe restores my soul, and I think it's just what we need to help us get our perspectives back in alignment. I'm conflicted. My project is about done, and I'm relieved, but in a way I feel a little lost because it's like a part of Victor is leaving me too. I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye. And, while trying to clean my surroundings, I pulled a muscle in my back. I need a little cheese to go with my whine!

I know I'm blessed. I have good friends, i.e. the ones here in blogland and my home pals...my narcissistic Mom even left me a beautiful, heartfelt message, so maybe there's hope there. But I'm feeling blah. Know what I mean? I think I need to see my Niece...she always makes everything right in the world by just...loving her "Anty".

Taking more Bitter with the Sweet

My apologies fellow Bandsters,

I'm going through some rough times right now, which making blogging difficult. I've been blowing off steam doing Mafia Wars in FaceBook...the new crack. Ah..which to talk about first..the bitter or the sweet. Let's do sweet. I got back into my Wedding Dress. Haven't put it on since I took it off in 93 and didn't ever think I'd put it on again. I was looking for some papers and feeling pretty stressed out and saw the dress hanging there calling me to put it on. I hesitated for a bit...didn't want to be disappointed. And then threw caution to the winds... The results?









And now the bitter...I lost a dear friend and mentor. His wife is my buddy and I never expected to work for him because I didn't want my work life interfering with my relationship with my friend. Happily, that never happened. What I got was a great boss who took the time to show me the ropes and entrusted me with an $8 million dollar project. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 years ago, and his cancer was a rare aggressive one. It claimed his life on Columbus Day. I know he's planning the next big project in heaven, but my head screams at the injustice of it all. I see my friend, a widow, and too young. She's supposed to be traveling with her best friend, drinking vino and laughing. Now she's heartbroken, tired, angry and all the things that go along with losing the other half of one's self. Fortunately, she still has her sense of humor and calls me her little "Sherpa" cuz I've been helping with the details for the services tomorrow. It all just sucks! Victor...I love you!

Reminders...

It's always good to give yourself a reminder of where you've been, how far you've come and where you're going. I was looking through some picture's of my boy's wedding and saw these pictures of myself in February of 2008...heartbreaking!



I remember the feeling of desperation and longing and hurting that I felt. Why am I this way? What am I willing to do to be healthier? I remember feeling that I was the only one in the world who felt like this...logically, I knew I was wrong, but I felt so isolated. But there's a certain safety in that isolation. I can only let people get so close and no more. I needed to take a risk and put myself out there and be willing to accept help.

This is me at the Reno Rib Festival for my 45th Birthday, September 2009. Yes, I ate ribs! I freaking enjoyed them. Yes, that's a margarita in my hand. I just couldn't overdo it. I still have about 20 to 30 lbs to go. I'll know when I get there. I plateau'd over the summer due to my project and not exercising, but I still watched what I ate. I allowed myself treats, but didn't overindulge. Thank you Lap Band...Thank you Fellow Bandsters! I am alive!

Liking my Shadow....

You know on a bright day, when you're walking and you look over and see your shadow??? I've always hated that cuz I hated how round and out of shape I looked.

I was looking at my shadow...you know... Really looking at it. I guess I was picturing the Pillsbury dough girl with the round belly and round face. But who was this shadow girl? The shadow girl looked long and lean. Her hair was blowing in the California breeze. She had a long, authoritative stride and walked with purpose. I did a double take because I didn't know the shadow girl. She seemed happy.

I realized the shadow girl was me? Yea...it's me!!! I actually like my shadow. I actually look ok. I'm not fat! Well...I am still overweight, but I'm looking ok. It's a weird feeling not recognizing yourself in your own shadow but I think I'm gonna like getting used to it.

A Victory of Sorts...

Last night was the husband’s 30-year high school reunion. I didn’t have an opportunity to shop for it due to the pressures of work, but I did manage to fit into a tropical sarong type dress that I haven’t worn in years. I took out the shoulder pads (so outdated Diz…) and worried that I wouldn’t do justice to the man in front of his ole high-school buddies.

I needn’t have worried. I had a really good time…and I look pretty darned decent, if I don’t say so myself. No…I was not the thinnest, the most beautiful, the youngest, the hippest dressed, etc.. But I was, i.e., I was in the moment and I could enjoy it for what it was. How liberating that felt! I didn’t have to worry that the outfit I was wearing made me look fat, or the meal I was eating was stretching out my stomach and making my outfit feel unbearable!

It was a nice evening and a nice time. His friends were really nice and their spouses pleasant and witty and fun. I had a wonderful time picking out the popular crowd and the girls jockeying for the “Queen Bee” position. You could actually see High School life rearing its silly head yet again. The old queen, not quite what she used to be, and a new queen better that she was in high school and reveling in the feeling of it. It makes me slightly anxious about my 30-year reunion in 3 years. However, I was just a person, not really part of any crowd, so I don’t think I’ll have any pressure on me. I’ll just get to watch.

Spew Episode

So I had another spewing incident today that I thought I'd relay to my bandsisters.  It's kinda gross, so I'm just giving you a "heads up" right from jump.  Here goes….

 

I generally have egg beaters in the morning.  I heat them in the microwave and scarf down.  Lately, microwave eggs do not agree with me.  I thing they turn out more rubbery than cooking them in the pan, which I can't do at work.  So I have my little cup of eggs and I'm going to work on them, but I stop eating because the band doesn't like them.  Not one bit.  I continue to work and the band continues to protest.  Soon I get that feeling that I'm losing a battle and decide it's time to head to the restroom.

 

Off I stroll…trying to be casual, because no one knows about the band at work, right.  I saunter into the restroom and there's no one in there.  I head to the last stall, which is the big one for the physically challenged and get ready to dump the eggs.  Before I do, I put my hair behind my shoulders and toss my work badge to the back.  My work badge is on a specially made lanyard…more like a necklace…and it hangs down to the waist. I certainly don't need that hanging down as I'm doing my business.

 

I bend at the waist and proceed to empty the eggs (my, it sounds so civilized). As this stream is ejecting, suddenly my badge swings free and hits the stream.  This causes some of the egg to go spewing sideways on to the floor, wall, etc.  But for the grace of God, it didn't end up on my clothes (can you imagine the beginning of the day, before the meetings, having to clean that off and explain why the front of my chest looks like a bucket of water was thrown on it?).   I finish and have to wipe down the badge.  Then I have to clean the goop off the wall and the floor.  I clean furiously before someone comes in and figures out that I've barfed on everything.  I tell ya, just when you think you've got this banding thing down, it comes back and smacks you into recognition.

 

Nice to know I can still be humbled by the little things.  I dump the uneaten eggs and an hour later head downstairs to the cafeteria for some double-toasted wheat bread and give that a shot.  

 

Now for the rest of the day!!

Sent from Diz's iPhone

I've been lazy

Sorry Ladies, I didn't mean to give any note of finality to my blog. Maybe to the past year, as I hopefully left some bad habits behind, and reworked friendships, etc. It's been really busy at work and I'm trying to finalize my project which should end on August 31st. I've promised to hold off on my vacations and since I work for the state of California, I've been furloughed 3 days a month. However, due to the nature of my project, I haven't taken my furloughs, so they've been accruing until the project ends. This makes for busy days and slacking off on the exercise...bad Diz. Also, taking a 15 percent paycut has been hard on my budget, so I'm learning to do without and figure out how to keep my hair appointments, etc. Fun!

Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky to have a job and I'm not complaining, but it's so hard to listen to all the "state worker" bashing that goes on in the media, by our Governor, etc. They make it sound like we're all rich, bonbon-eating, lazy bastards and it just isn't so. So please bear with me as my blogging has been a little light lately. I'll get back to the swing of things in September. The rib fest is coming, I turn 45, and I'll finally get to take some vacation...although I won't be able to afford to go too far. Tee Hee...the man had better be up for some hot, heavy sex marathons...that's cheap fun, right?

Love you Ladies!!!